In a healthy mentoring relationship, all the cards are on the table. For that to occur, there must be trust between the two. I am careful not to tell my wife confidential matters that are told to me. Anything given in confidence should be held in confidence. Though I have been mentoring actively for more than forty years, I cannot claim any success in improving character in adults. I have become convinced that the only improvement in character in adults is through spiritual experience, not through mentoring. Sophisticated individuals may learn to mask or hide their character flaws, but under excessive pressure they will fail. Character failures come at the most crucial time, when they can least be afforded. Dishonesty, laziness, anger, greed, selfishness, uncooperativeness—all are character failures. We progress by climbing, then plateauing for assimilation, then climbing again, plateauing again—repeating the process as long as we live. Unfortunately, many people reach a comfortable plateau and stop. They become seduced by comfort and routine. It is the mentor's challenge to see in the mentored a potential he does not see and to motivate him to make another climb and another plateau, and then another and another, until his full talent is developed. Not everyone can be a mentor, just as many superior performers cannot coach. Skill in performing and skill in coaching are very different. Most successful leaders have had good mentors, just as successful athletes have had good coaches. Every good man should be good at something. Helping to develop this good is the mentor's responsibility. Management expert Peter Drucker has the correct idea of mentoring. When someone says of another, "He is a good man," Peter asks, "Good for what?" A mentor has accomplished great good when he has taught the individual the joy of accomplishment. I learned this from my mentor, Maxey Jarman. It has become so much a part of my life that when I get low, I immediately start to do something that I feel will be worthwhile. The joy of living returns. The great opera diva Beverly Sills personified this philosophy when one afternoon at a cocktail party in her apartment one guest said, "We'd better leave, Beverly has to sing tonight." She protested, "No, I don't have to sing tonight. I get to sing tonight." As we progress in our relationship we should come to the place where we need no preface or qualification. My two great mentors never prefaced with me. At first that seemed rather discourteous, and then I realized they were paying me the ultimate compliment of saying that I wanted to know truth and they didn't have to adjust it or varnish it. The mentor has a responsibility to create an atmosphere in which the learner can be honest and still respected. In good communication we need to avoid two disruptions: Never show shock at anything anyone says, for in showing shock we are setting our value structure against theirs. Instead of verbalizing shock, I like to say something neutral or noncommittal. If appropriate, I will even try to say something humorous to prevent ill feelings. And, never show curiosity. Curiosity hurts good communication. I think we all would like for people to be interested in us but not curious about us. Curiosity is an invasion of our privacy and generally comes out of a question that has nothing to do with the main purpose of the communication. I make the mentoree responsible for all contact. The individual must set up the appointment, make the calls, and so forth. I do this for a reason: I want the mentoree to know that he can break off the relationship any time he wants to simply by not contacting me. He controls the continuation of the relationship. I will never question why. Sometimes a mentoring relationship becomes nonproductive and should end. I accept this as normal. Recently, my daughter ran into a man who was a long time mentoree, but had disappeared off the radar screen. He commented to her that he appreciated the position that I had taken in saying, "if the day comes when you don't need to call, that is okay." He was in control of the relationship and I had no desire to call and find out what had happened, or why he had not called for awhile. Mutual respect is crucial. I have never had any success helping anyone I did not respect. I've tried but failed miserably. These principles have helped me in fruitful mentoring relationships.
Fruitful Mentoring
Fred Smith draws on his 50 years of stretching others to illustrate some principles of successful mentoring.
By Fred Smith
