Stress for Singles

The pressure of time, peers and money impact all of us, but particularly singles. How do you live on the fast track, but not th

By Fred Smith

Mary Alice and I have been married for 66 years on June 25, 2003. We haven't been single in a long time. But I have been asked a lot throughout my life to speak to singles groups. Here are a few of the things that I notice are common stressors.

The first is the pressure of time. A lot of people don't know the difference between a fast track and a frantic track. But there is an awful lot of difference. I believe very much in the fast track. I don't believe in the frantic track. I don't think that's really living. Singles are very afraid of not being included. They accept every invitation that comes because often they're afraid of being excluded. They think if they're alone they're unattractive. When you equate unattractiveness with aloneness you've got troubles. So, time pressure is #1.

Second is simply the pressure of peers. When our 36 year old granddaughter (who is married and mother of "the tornado") was 18 we took her on a trip with us. Now you can't imagine how much luggage it requires for an 18-year-old granddaughter who's going to be gone for five days. I think she expected to be married out there and stay. Normally I would have gotten very irritated about it and played the role of a good executive, but Jay Kesler, then president of Youth for Christ and a good friend said, "Fred, you've got to remember that teenagers, particularly girls, are so self conscious that they've got to dress and redress three times before they even come down for dinner." They never feel accepted, and so they've got to dress and re-dress. I knew this was what Heather was doing — she was carrying everything she owned.

The stress of adolescent peer pressure should change as we age. But I see adults still fighting. They are giving others the power to set their direction, their goals and their definition of accomplishment. They have outgrown the obvious scenarios but still get caught up in the conflict of where they should be at certain ages. They let others set the standards and write the scripts.

The third stresser is money. As I talk to singles I notice they are prey to advertising; it eats them up. Madison Avenue pays big bucks to reach the singles demographic. When the bike riding trend started I noticed how many people were riding and that they all had on bike-riding outfits. I checked what it would cost to "look like a rider." At that time it was well over $100. No wonder money is a pressure source. When you have to have a uniform and gear for every activity a pressure cooker is created that has a high price tag. It is hard to have a real plan for finances when impulse and expectations of others drive the budget.

I got a letter from one of the singles I had met at a retreat. It was short and had lots of punch, "Thank God I'm out of debt!" We had talked about money. She explained to me that she would need a new car because the old one didn't get good enough gas mileage. That is sheer fantasy….. she simply wanted a new car. And so we talked about money. We looked at what money is ---- a tool, not an idol. It is a way to provide options, but it is also a stewardship. Money shouldn't be a jailer. She went home, did something about her finances and finally could be out of debt. She was free!

These three stressers are all about relationship: to time, others and money. The environment we create for ourselves is the result of our decisions in these relationships. Success is in overcoming, not in succumbing.