Disappointment gives us the opportunity to know ourselves much better than success does. Many of the world's great achievers have been very lonely in their childhood which gave them the opportunity to know themselves and to appreciate their uniqueness. When the time came to steer their course they didn't have to depend on others for their instruments. The compass and the sextant of our life are not successfully rented; they must be customized for our ship and our journey. And they are often most skillfully crafted in the quiet, even lonely, hours.
Times of trouble are generally lonelier than times of success. Not too many want to join the suffering of another --- the fear of contagion is always there. While I don't recommend excessive introspection, I find it helpful for uncovering two specific things: 1) any destructive weaknesses or tendencies that I have and 2) my productive strengths. I will never devote time to overcoming general weaknesses — that is throwing money down a rat hole. I will always work on my areas of uniqueness, my areas of strength. But if I have a potentially destructive tendency, I want that identified so that I can build protection against stress points. And, I want to know how my strengths will respond under pressure, as well. I want to operate successfully. We never truly know ourselves until we have gone through both the hard times and the good times. Often success will hide certain weaknesses and magnify other weaknesses. Just as it is important to know the weight limit on bridge, so it is important to know our own breaking point. I'm not talking about the cynical "every man has his price," but the point at which we can take no more. Often we find it good to know that we can go beyond what we had feared was our breaking point.
We need to be careful in our definition of pressure. It is not always the down times. Our destructive weaknesses can raise their heads in the best of times. As Dr. Dennis Gabor points out in his book, The Mature Society, history provides proof that in trouble man can be noble but cannot sustain that nobility in long-term prosperity.
This self-knowledge gives us the proper perspective on our reflexes. In an old issue of The Monthly Letter of the Royal Bank of Canada I read "the determining element (in maturity) is not so much what happens to a person but the way he takes it. The responses to life of a mature person are of good quality and can be counted on. "
In self-evaluation we learn how we manage stress. As Professor William James said, "neither the nature nor the amount of our work is accountable for the frequency and severity of our breakdowns, but their cause lies rather in those absurd feelings of hurry and having no time, and that breathlessness and tension, that anxiety of feature and that solitude of results, that lack of inner harmony and ease.". . too often we feel, in order to be American, to be patriotic, we have to feel full of stress. Stress is very necessary for energy but it must be healthy stress, not unhealthy stress. It must be manageable stress.
Knowledge of our self must include our ability to trust others and to trust principles, particularly divine principles. Eric Erickson, the eminent psychiatrist, says that the proper development of trust in a child is one of the most fundamental necessities for a healthy life. Too often I see people who have been in trouble let their trust turn to cynicism. It is impossible to live well, happily and healthily, without a fundamental, appropriately-placed trust. Otherwise we remain tentative or negative. We cannot help having doubts or misgivings, but we certainly can avoid disbeliefs which are cynical and destructive.
In our culture disappointment isn't valued greatly. A stock market that rises without decline, the children who bring unblemished accomplishment and pride, the church that outgrows its building in record time ---- these are applauded. The suffering prophets of the Old Testament would not make many of our social A lists. But self knowledge comes as one of the rewards of the valleys. And even though the travel may be lonely it gives a depth of understanding that creates a rich lifetime endowment.
