One of my best friends died at age 56. As I left the service my mind started processing the principles of grief. I reviewed the wonderful relationship demonstrated by his friends and the realization of peace - the sureness of their hope and the temporariness of their bon voyage.
I thought of the quote "death is not failure — failure is not fully living life;-" Jim lived 56 years of life and only one week of death. We are thankful for that week because it gave us time to say goodbye.
In this process there is a correlation between celebration and grief. Both are important and both are necessary.
1. Celebration
In the memorial service we celebrated our hope. We supported the family in our mutual hope. And we witnessed to unbelievers the ultimate of our faith. "We mourned not as those who have no hope." Our celebration expressed our hope.
2. Grief
There will be no service centered around grief, but it is necessary for our healing. I mean real sorrow, not just a palliative that covers over leaving our seething grief unreleased. To deny grief is to deny our humanness. We have genuine reasons to grieve.
First, we lost a friend, a mentor, an example, and a focus. Jim was all of these. A loss this great produces grief which must be expressed.
Second, we realize that we lost the potential of a man as he said, "at the top of my game." The one thing Jim could not understand, as he talked to me about it, was why he should be going just at the time that he felt he could be most useful. When composers, writers, inventors, discoverers, and others, die early we are thankful for their contribution but we also realize that we have lost great potential.
Death often generates anger and disappointment. But we must never lose our focus that it is the last enemy and God has won the ultimate victory. Sometimes children understand it so clearly. For example, years ago our little tight-wound seven-year-old granddaughter lost her pet and our son decided it was a good time to talk to her about death. He started with Adam and Eve. He hadn't gotten very far before she stopped him and said, "Dad, you mean I've got to die just because of those two stinkers?" We must equate death as the final stroke of evil, which God in His alchemy turns to our blessing. Therefore we should never feel any anger toward God. Satan, death and suffering are on a short leash. But we shouldn't deny the pain, either.
Then the third reason we grieve is for the children and the grandchildren who are left without a caring, understanding father and grandfather. Recently I was watching a TV program on cancer. One of the daughters cancer sufferer cried saying how difficult it was giving up her mother because "she was the only one who believed in me."
One of our extremely wealthy Christian laymen died in another state and they decided to put on a great celebration. It included a symphony orchestra and celebrity Christians from across the nation. That approach concerned me because I saw forced celebration which didn't allow for true grief. Later one of my friends ran into the oldest daughter and asked about her Dad's death. She replied, "We had a great celebration for Dad." My insightful friend, said, "I'm not celebrating. I'm grieving. If you want to, you can cry with me. " She fell into his arms and cried out her healthy grief for the first time. We celebrate for the believer who now is free of the sickness and the pain; we celebrate the life, but we must allow ourselves and others to process the loss.
A young friend told me of the loss of her Grandfather. A well-meaning Christian shared the experience of shedding no tears when her own Grandfather had died because he was now with Jesus ---- there was no place for sadness. My friend was devastated and confused. Was she wrong she wondered? "You lost someone important --- grief is important and necessary," I told her. Death is no time for fuzzy faith and wrong thinking. We mourn, "not as those without hope" but we mourn… and know that we hope.
