Friendship is one of life's earliest experiences. I often tell people that a quick way to get a man's attention is to ask him about his first car….no trouble remembering! It is usually easy to think of first friends, as well. That childhood chum who explored the "forbidden forest" behind the house, or the teammate who shared the passion for baseball --- these quickly come to remembrance. As we age it gets more difficult to create lifelong friendships, but the principles remain the same. I call these the "four qualifiers of friendship."
1. First there must be the desire to be a friend.
It is just as important that we have a strong desire to be a good friend as to have good friendships. Only then do we have the two halves of the whole which we call friendship. I am talking about more than useful connection; I'm talking about someone to count on. One of my favorite stories tells of "Jeb" Stuart's letters to General Robert E. Lee. He signed his letters "yours to count on." When I used to write one of my dearest friends, I would sign it with the four initials YTCO; he knew that we could count on each other.
2. Friendship requires the right attitude.
The scripture says, "If you would have friends you must show yourself friendly." Mary Alice and I went into a church service and saw a rather lovely but lonely looking lady sitting by herself. We moved in to sit beside her. As soon as we started coming toward her, she took her coat and put it between us. She was saying "don't touch me." I'm sure she doesn't have many friends, because she doesn't understand the necessity of a friendly attitude. Sometimes when you get on a plane and you sit down beside somebody who immediately turns into a porcupine with all the spines out you know they are saying, "don't violate my space." If we have the right attitude toward friendship then we will be willing to initiate as well as return a friendly gesture. Frank Willy of Cincinnati gave me a wonderful interpretation of the golden rule when he said, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but you do it first." It's the Christian's responsibility to start good, not just to return good. Nearly anyone will return a favor but the important thing is to start one.
3. Friendships need to be mutual
In friendship there is a responsibility for mutuality. Many years ago Will McGrath, who was then Chairman of the Williamson Company, said to me, "Business friendship is mutual advantage. When one stops getting something from the relationship it dies." I think it is important to stay in contribution mode with friends. The closer the friendship, the greater the slack we are cut. But a true friend is always working to bring something that adds value. Part of the enthusiasm of friendship is having your antenna tuned in for ideas, articles and information that interests the other.
4. Ongoing contact is important.
It is important to accept responsibility for maintaining contact. Men are notoriously bad about this unless it is about some specific matter. Most of the time we relate around an activity, not around the relationship. I have found it is the unusual person who genuinely works at maintaining friendships and contacts. For example, one of the most successful West Coast automobile dealers is Guy Martin who often calls me just to talk. He likes to get up at 5:00 AM. He will ask himself, "Which of my friends are up at this time?" Because I am an early riser we get to have some great morning conversations.
When I first spoke at the Kansas City Executive Club I met the charming, gracious partner of Russell Stover Candy Company, Evelyn Nelson. I found that she carried a list of friends in her purse and small cards on which she wrote short, handwritten notes to them when she had a little extra time. I copied her good way to stay in touch. We do not police our phone bill at all because we decided to talk to our friends and family without considering the cost. The internet has greatly increased the ease of contact. I thoroughly enjoy the new world of email.
I'm suggesting that there are at least four things that qualify us for friendship:
The desire to be a friend - the right attitude - the responsibility for mutuality - and the maintenance of contacts. It is clear that friendship is part of a process. We reap the rewards of friendship as we take the actions that cultivate and nurture them.
