Friendship is clinically defined as a state of relationship between two people in which cordiality and goodwill exist. I like looking at the soil in which these relationships thrive and thinking about what is necessary to nurture the growth. What are the elements that work together to create that almost mystical bond? I don't have an exhaustive list, but I do want to focus on 7 key qualities.
1) Love
Love in friendship is different from love in a romantic sense. It's unfortunate that in the English language we do not have different words for different types of love. The Greeks had four separate words and the third one denoted friendship. Also, I like this definition of the kind of love that I can have for a friend: "willing the ultimate good for the other person." Being not very sentimental, the warm "fuzzies" of life often get lost on me, but I certainly can and do will the ultimate good for my friends.
2) Trust
I was talking to Dr. Haddon Robinson about friendship and he said, "To me, friendship is that relationship that lets you be yourself when you're with the other person." I can be me without any fear because 1 can trust the other person to understand. I can also trust them with confidences. One of Mary Alice's many good traits is that she never asks me to divulge any confidences from conversations that I have with people. I read of a wife whose husband was in top secret work. She considered her devotion to his private space with no questions asked a demonstration of intimacy and trust. Needless to say, trust is not a blind disregard for fact. I am reminded of two friends who were talking about going into business together. One of them finally said to the other one, "I would trust you with my life but not with my future." That was a good evaluation and an excellent example of well-reasoned trust. Recently my psychiatrist friend Lewis McBurney returned from five months in Africa visiting with natives and with Christian workers. He wrote and told me about it and used a wonderful phrase, "they trusted me with their pain."
3.) Support
The scripture says "bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." A quality of friendship is the ability to lend a shoulder and an ear. Support implies loyalty, but it is not always synonymous with agreement. Friendship does not require that we always agree on every subject, but the attitude of loyalty in friendship implies the quality of strengthening and building up.
4). Forgiveness
Christ called his disciples friends, yet they deserted him at his trial. Every single one of them left. There are times when we experience unfortunate breaks because we feel betrayed. We must find forgiveness. Christ forgave His disciples and then they all became martyrs. He forgave them and they died for Him. I'm convinced that true forgiveness can strengthen a friendship if it is spiritually welded rather than just humanly mended. A breach of human trust is rarely reestablished, but healing can occur through forgiveness. Once I had a friend who lost his temper with me. I was happy to forgive him but he never really forgave himself and so the friendship could never be wholly restored.
5) Time
I have some executive friends with a very practical streak. Although they would like to have more friends, they know that they don't have the time to invest. So they accept the lack as a priority issue. A litmus test that I have used regarding time is the freedom that a friend has to take my phone call and tell me that it isn't a good time to talk. The honesty and the interest in future conversations keep the relationship active.
6) Rejoicing.
Scripture says to "weep with those who weep." But a very key phrase is "and rejoice with those who rejoice." Some friends find it easier to sympathize than to celebrate, particularly if they are on a plateau in their career. A good friendship provides a safe place for the "little boy or the little girl" in each of us to brag. This is often one of the deeper places in a friendship and is developed through time and trust.
7) Confrontation
Inherent in friendship is the freedom to confront, but only in love. The Bible says "the wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of an enemy." I feel that I fail my responsibility to a friend if I don't confront where I feel it will be helpful. However, I have this little rule: "If I want to confront don't." When confrontation is an act of responsibility I am willing, but I don't seek out opportunities for venting which passes as "truth telling." I always want to keep in mind that confrontation should never trigger self-doubt in the other person; and, it should never humiliate the person.
These seven foundational qualities do not exist alone, but create the interwoven, intermeshed fabric of friendship. The balanced blending of love, trust, support, time, forgiveness, rejoicing and confrontation produces fertile soil for friendship.
