1. Our reservoir of friendship possibilities. These are the friendly-looking folk. We nod at those who look friendly in a sort of recognition contract—we pass them often enough in the store to recognize and nod. They frequent the same restaurants and occasionally the same social or political group where there are too many activities and people to personally meet or seriously talk with anyone. However, they appear friendly, they have pleasant expressions on their faces, you know they would pick up something you dropped. They dress normally and might at some time have deferred to you going through a door. They are people you would be happy enough to know but not anxious enough to make the necessary effort.
2. Friends of convenience. Neighbors to whom we speak but seldom talk seriously. Conveniently we receive packages for each other when out of town or pick up daily newspapers when away. They are "neighbors" either where we live, or they have the seats next to us at the stadium or concert hall. We ask each other,"how are you?" and are willing to listen briefly. But we appreciate it if they realize the question is more courtesy than interest. As friends of convenience we are happy enough to speak but not close enough to borrow.
3. Friends of mutuality. Will McGrath, chairman of Williamson Company, taught me "friendship in business is mutual advantage." When either stops enjoying an advantage, the friendship dies. I felt, as a young man coming into management, that this was a cynical approach; in maturity, however, I have found it completely reliable. For friendship to live beyond advantage, it has to become deeper than an exchange of favor, benefits and profits. In the long years since Will told me that, I've had occasion to warn many of my retiring executive friends they would experience a change in relationship with "friends of mutual advantage" and not to become bitter or disillusioned.
We all prefer to think people like us for ourselves and not for our gifts or benefits to them — but this is a little naïve. Men who retire as the head of a corporation and have been accustomed to having their telephone calls returned immediately find this just doesn't happen anymore. One of them told me that he had learned not to leave his telephone number, he didn't like to be embarrassed by having the call ignored. The chief executive officer of a large corporation retired to Florida in a most exclusive condominium. Then he refused to attend the second homeowners' association meeting because he complained to his wife that nobody listened when he talked. It was a new and unpleasant experience. Women who relinquish prominent social positions face this same situation. Professionally, no one loses more personal power than a society reporter who changes jobs.
Actually, in these circumstances of "mutual advantage," we are friends of the function, not of the person—better to say that our functions are friends of each other. When that function ceases it is as if we had died with the demise of the function.
Large donors who have financial reverses experience this loss of attention and prestige. Donors are appreciated for what they can give, not for what they have given. Perhaps gratitude is the most fragile emotion. Recently a religious fund-raiser, when I told him I was not going to make a contribution, changed his whole attitude. He divided people between those who were going to give and those who were not. He did not waste his limited friendly attention on the nongiver but lavished it on the current giver…or potential large donor.
4. Period friendships. Members of the same team or the same active organization are friends for a period—"for the duration." We are birds of a feather flocking together for a common purpose. This shows in a class reunion where those who once felt so close to each other are now alienated by time. Each pokes around with a few curious questions and either gloats or envies as they relate their wins and losses. Voted the class fool, the rich come back in their fancy cars to prove they have done well, and the ugly girl brings her husband, telling about her lovely children. A few naturally friendly, caring personalities tie up the lost chords and manage to play a few harmonies of genuinely worthwhile music.
In period friendship, fanatical friendships often develop, such as in political and religious societies where it is at most a sin or at least a misdemeanor not to profess closeness, almost blood-relatedness, with the others. In a sense, these period relationships prove Eric Hoffer's theory of "the true believer" where people give over their wills to the movement. Such friendships by association are truly dangerous, for strangers in the white heat of fanaticism become friends of the cause—but for a period only.
Recognizing that friendships can be functional, time-related or cause-oriented does not give cause for cynicism, but for a clear reality check. There are friendships which endure but they are built on a common ground that is forged over time and through shared experiences. Friendships are a key element in a successful and healthy network.
