Ask Fred > Family > How do I deal with the guilt I feel about not being with my mother when she died?
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Dear Fred
I've just discovered your website and would first like to thank you for it. I have also read the letters to you and your responses and have my own question (or two) for you. I don't know where to start, but I guess I'll take you back three years ago when my beloved Mother passed away. No one was there with her at the hospital to hold her hand or share a last smile with her. I live halfway across the country and would've given anything to have been with her till the end. I carry this guilt with me every day of my life and for the foreseeable future, I'm sure, and just needed to hear your thoughts on such a matter. I feel as if I failed her miserably, and when she needed me the most! She was a good mother and a good soul when she walked this earth, and I thank God for her every day/night of my life. There's an emptiness in me that will follow me to my very grave because I feel a failure in letting her down (she had asked me not to leave her bedside at the hospital, and I did, thinking she'd come through it all). I feel awful and just can't shake it. Whatever words you could spare would help me in more ways imaginable. I now thank God for you too and pray for your health and well-being.
Fred's Response
There is no guilt in an honest miscalculation. If there were we would all be constantly guilty. Your Mother carried you in her heart all the time just as you will continually carry her in your heart. You were present in spirit with her which was equally important to the physical presence. Don't let a frustrated desire turn into improper guilt. "Share a last smile" --- your phrase is great evidence of a healthy relationship. I'm sure your Mother did not die screaming for you, but rather thanking God for you. It's more important that you were loyal to her in life than present in death. Remember, she was not alone for Christ was with her. Thank you for writing.
